Robot Chicken Marvel Vs DC Part 1
by TheInhibitor
Summary: The Robot Chicken Crisis of Ultimate Marvel VS Infinite DC Age of Robo-Cockpocalypse! Part 1! Featuring Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, Captain America, Green Lantern, The Fantastic Four, Wonder Woman, She-Hulk, and - of course - MAN-THING!


**SCENE 1: Spider-Man & Superman VS the Frozen Monsters**

[Superman is flying over the city.]

NARRATOR:

"It is just a normal day in the city, when - just like every other day - all of a sudden…"

[A giant dinosaur emerges from a building with "See the Frozen Dinosaur!" advertising in front of it. The dinosaur shambles into the streets, and people run away screaming. A man and a woman stop and point to the sky.]

MAN:

"Look! Up in the air! It's a bird!"

WOMAN:

"It's a plane!"

[Superman stands next to them, also looking up in the sky.]

SUPERMAN:

"No, that's definitely a bird."

WOMAN:

"You're sure?"

SUPERMAN:

"Yep, a ruby-throated hummingbird. Of course, only the males have that red patch on their chest."

WOMAN:

"Really?"

SUPERMAN:

"Yeah, the females have white feathers, but with this big empty patch where you can almost see their boobs!"

WOMAN:

"That's fascinating!"

SUPERMAN:

"It most certainly is."

MAN:

"Um, shouldn't you do something about the dinosaur wreaking havoc on the city?"

SUPERMAN:

[sigh] "Always during birdwatching. Never fails."

LOIS LANE:

[from off-screen] "Help, Superman!"

[The giant dinosaur is bending down, about to eat Lois Lane. Superman speeds next to her and punches the dinosaur in the mouth. It keels over in the other direction, crushing a short bus full of children.]

LOIS LANE:

"Thanks, Superman!"

SUPERMAN:

"No problemo, Lois! [to crushed school bus] Stay in school, kids! Up, up, and away!"

[Superman flies off, lands on top of building, surveys scene.]

SUPERMAN:

"Let's see, monster defeated, damsel in distress saved, a couple dozen less orphans to worry about, and plenty of positive media coverage in my wake. That's all in a day's work for Superman! Looks like I can just head back to…"

[Superman notices billboard behind him that says, "Open Today! Frozen Monster Expo - Completely Safe This Year! Next to Space Heaters & Sun Lamps R' Us!"]

SUPERMAN:

"Oh, crap, I'm going to be at this all day…"

NARRATOR:

"Meanwhile, on the exact same side of town…"

[Cut to Peter Parker who is standing with his camera near the catwalk at a fashion event. An announcement comes over the loud speakers.]

ANNOUNCER:

"Ladies and gentlemen, due to a delivery error, Rodrigo Fantabulo's collection did not arrive in time to be shown today."

[Parker and crowd groan in disappointment.]

ANNOUNCER:

"However, since we paid for the space and the models are all here, we're just going to have them strut around nude on the catwalk."

[Parker and crowd hoot and holler. Parker takes up a position near the catwalk. All of a sudden, crashing noises and urgent voices are heard coming from outside.]

OUTSIDE VOICE 1:

"Oh no! The ice melted! The monsters are rampaging through the streets!"

OUTSIDE VOICE 2:

"They're everywhere! They're a threat to all innocent life!"

OUTSIDE VOICE 3:

"Oh my God! They aren't going near the fashion show, but they're endangering lives and destroying property within earshot of it!"

OUTSIDE VOICE 4:

"Oh, no! They're heading for a school bus full of children! Thank God they won't disrupt the fashion show! But the children, oh my God, the children!"

OUTSIDE VOICE 5:

"If only a man with the proportionate strength and agility of a spider were here to save them!"

[After trying to ignore what he's hearing, Parker reluctantly leaves the fashion show. Cut to Spider-Man arriving in a city park, delivering yet another child to safety.]

SPIDER-MAN:

"OK, that's it. I've saved every last one of you and gotten you all ice cream."

[The kids cheer and crowd all around Spider-Man. Kid 1 keeps poking him in the elbow.]

KID 1:

"Ha ha! You're squishy, Spider-Man!"

SPIDER-MAN:

"Yeah, don't poke Spider-Man in the eye, kid."

KID 2:

[holding up ice cream cone] "Spider-Man, would you like some of my ice cream cone?"

SPIDER-MAN:

"Why, sure! Thank you very much!"

[Spider-Man lifts up his mask and throws up a load of green vomit on the ice cream cone.]

SPIDER-MAN:

"You see, kids, like spiders, I excrete digestive enzymes onto my food, which slowly turns it into a liquid so that I can just drink it later. Why don't you bring that back to me in 10 minutes, OK?"

[As Spider-Man is bending over and explaining to Kid 2 how he eats, Kid 1 is flipping Spider-Man the bird behind his back.]

SPIDER-MAN:

[to Kid 1, without turning to face him] "I saw that."

[Kid 1 freaks out and runs off. Cut back to monster rampage. Spider-Man lands next to Superman, who is dispatching one last monster.]

SPIDER-MAN:

"I thought I heard the sound of superhuman farting. Hey, next time monsters attack the city, why don't you tell me beforehand which children you're going drop them on so I don't waste my time trying to save them?"

SUPERMAN:

"Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna work with some loser who hyphenates his name. What, did, ha, [bending over in laughter] did your mom, ha ha, did your mom make your dad take her last name? Ha ha!"

SPIDER-MAN:

"No, actually, both my parents died. I've been meaning to get rid of they hyphen, but I was too busy making a mask to conceal my identity! Although, relatively speaking, I guess I could be a superman, too, if I were surrounded by a bunch of dumb s**ts who can't recognize me once I take my glasses off!"

SUPERMAN:

"Wah, wah, wah. 'My parents are dead.' My whole planet exploded, killing my parents and my whole species! And I'm still a virgin, because I'm basically packing a bazooka!" [gesturing toward his crotch]

SPIDER-MAN:

"Oh, yeah? Well, I have to find a mate who's ten times my size, and then I get to enjoy all of three seconds of not being a virgin anymore before she devours me!"

SUPERMAN:

"Hey, don't hassle me just 'cos you're into fat chicks. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to be a real hero. You know, one who can fly without having to choose between the nude photography or heavy petting line." [takes off]

SPIDER-MAN:

"Yeah, whatever. I've gotta go see if that kid saved my ice cream cone."

[END SCENE.]

**SCENE 2: Green Lantern Editorial Meeting**

[Cut to comic book editorial staff meeting, with Chief Editor and five other editors sitting at a table.]

EDITOR AL:

"We don't know what to do with the Green Lantern Corps series! We've got green ones, red ones, blue ones, black ones! We've gone through the whole color wheel!"

EDITOR BOB:

"Why don't we make him allergic to the color yellow, again?"

EDITOR CHUCK:

"No. Then him and the entire intergalactic police force could get wiped out by a bunch of cheap thugs with rain slickers and wiffle bats."

EDITOR DAN:

"Well, maybe we could give him a gluten allergy. He could get stomach cramps and be really gassy."

EDITOR ERIC:

"That's a thought, let's look into that."

EDITOR AL:

"Perhaps we should move into earth tones, like tan, or brown."

EDITOR BOB:

"Mm, sepia. And ochre."

EDITOR CHUCK:

"Oh, absolutely. And umber."

EDITOR DAN:

"And patterns, like stripes, polka dots and Scottish tartans, maybe."

[Chief Editor looks disgusted, stands up and puts his hands on the table.]

CHIEF EDITOR:

"No! We're not having a Brown Lantern Corps, a Pink Lantern Corps, or a Polka Dot Lantern Corps! This isn't Marvel! We don't just dredge up the Incredible Hulk and slap a different coat of paint on him! We're DC Comics, we're better than that."

EDITOR ERIC:

[rising in protest] "But, but, Star Wars has introduced different colored lightsabers, that's worked for them!"

CHIEF EDITOR:

"Yeah, the difference is that Mace Windu's lightsaber isn't powered by love, ya got it? [hand to chin, pensive] We just have to figure out how to tie all these different colored rings together in a way that delves into a compelling, existential level of human psychology..."

[Cut to Rainbow Brite standing over the battered bodies of several different lantern corps. A crowd of people watch her in horror.]

RAINBOW BRITE:

"Yeah, bitches!"

EYEWITNESS:

"Oh my God! Rainbow Brite's defeated all the lantern corps-ss-ss-szz!"

RAINBOW BRITE:

"I am the alpha and omega! I eat lanterns and s**t rainbows, motherf**kers! Raaaaawr!"

SETH GREEN:

[in the crowd, turns to camera] "Can we write for women or what?"

[END SCENE.]

**SCENE 3: Peter Parker & Clark Kent Editorial Meeting**

[Cut to newspaper editor-in-chief's office, where Peter Parker and Clark Kent are meeting with J. Jonah Jameson and Perry White.]

PERRY WHITE:

"In order to keep our newspapers from going bankrupt, Rupert Murdoch has bought the Daily Planet and the Daily Bugle and is merging them with the New York Post. From now on - Kent, Parker - you two are going to be working together. Any questions?"

PETER PARKER:

"Yeah, why did they name it 'The New York Daily Plagle'?"

J. JONAH JAMESON:

"'Cos you don't know s**t about branding, Parker! And you two suck as reporters! Kent was supposed to cover the frozen monster expo, but he missed a dinosaur crushing a whole school bus full of children! And Parker, you didn't get a single picture of the Rodrigo Fantabulo fashion show's descent into a lesbian orgy! Hopefully, the two of you put together will add up to a halfway decent reporter! Now get your a**es out of here and go cover the Homicidal Super-Clown convention!"

PETER PARKER:

"Well, that's just great."

[Parker leaves.]

PERRY WHITE:

"And be careful, Clark. Lex Luthor and Dr. Doom are still on the loose, they might show themselves there."

CLARK KENT:

[leaning in on desk, speaks knowingly] "Well, then, maybe Superman will have to make an appear…"

[Scene fades to black before Kent finishes sentence, like the 1940s Superman cartoons sometimes did. Kent, Jameson, and White can barely be seen. Kent keeps talking.]

CLARK KENT:

[standing in the dark] "…um, I wasn't finished. I had, like, another couple lines, and then I was supposed to go stage right to the door. Are we still doing that? OK, I'm just going to go ahead and do it anyway. [loud thud as he bumps into furniture] Ow! Stupid chair's made out of kryptonite or something…"

[END SCENE.]

**SCENE 4: Dr. Doom VS The Fantastic Four**

[Cut to Dr. Doom's lair, where the Fantastic Four are facing off against Dr. Doom. Mr. Fantastic has a folder he's taken from Doom's filing cabinet.]

DR. DOOM:

"So you think you can infiltrate my fortress and defeat me?"

MR. FANTASTIC:

"Yes, with the information from your secret files, we'll be able to... [reading files] Hold on. Wait a minute. You're not actually a doctor?"

DR. DOOM:

[pause] "Yes I am."

MR. FANTASTIC:

"No, it says right here you never graduated. And here's a certificate that says 'Doctor Doom is not actually a doctor'." [holds up ornate certificate that says "Not a Doctor" in calligraphy]

DR. DOOM:

"OK, well, you see, I completed my course work, but my residency really burned me out. I was doing 36-hour shifts, so I took a sabbatical, you know, just to re-energize. I got into pottery-making one summer, and then I just, you know, kind of never went back."

HUMAN TORCH:

[flips him the bird] "F**k you! I gave my life for you!"

[Human Torch storms out.]

SUE STORM:

"Oh, my God! And to think I was going to leave Reed for you!"

MR. FANTASTIC:

"Yeah - hold on, what?"

SUE STORM:

"Calm down, Reed, it had nothing to do with you. He just has a really big d**k."

MR. FANTASTIC:

"Oh. OK." [scratches head]

SUE STORM:

"But now I learn you never even graduated? What kind of whore do you think I am?"

[Sue Storm walks out.]

MR. FANTASTIC:

"Um, Sue, can we talk?"

[Mr. Fantastic follows Sue Storm out.]

DR. DOOM:

[to Thing] "Well, don't you have anything insulting to say?"

THING:

"What the f**k do I care? I'm like the only one in this whole damn comic book who isn't a doctor or something."

DR. DOOM:

"Well, thanks."

THING:

[looking at file] "But at least I've got my drivers license."

DR. DOOM:

"I'm not good at parallel parking! I can't see out of this stupid thing!" [pointing to his mask]

[END SCENE.]

**SCENE 5: Spider-Man & Superman VS Green Goblin & The Joker**

[Cut to the streets outside the Homicidal Super-Clown convention, where Spider-Man and Superman are engaged in a pitched battle with Green Goblin and The Joker.]

GREEN GOBLIN:

"Catch me if you can, Spider-Virgin!"

[Green Goblin flies upward. Spider-Man, clinging to the side of a building, shoots a web to catch him.]

SUPERMAN:

"Up, up, and aw-oooooooh!"

[Superman, also trying to catch Green Goblin, flies into the path of Spider-Man's web, which attaches to Superman's crotch. Superman's momentum causes his groin and Spider-Man's web to stretch as Spider-Man remains rooted on the side of the building. But the strain is too great, so Spider-Man lets go of the building and slingshots right into Superman's groin. The two of them fall to the ground, Spider-Man unconsciously splayed out on Superman's crotch.]

GREEN GOBLIN:

"Well, what do you know? The spider catches the fly!"

SUPERMAN:

[in obvious pain] "Oh…I feel like I've been tackled in the kryptons by a man with the proportionate strength and agility of a spider…"

JOKER:

"Well, that's what you get for carrying kryptonite on your person. I mean, in your sack. I mean, apparently, kryptonite's not your only weakness. [rubs chin] I guess you already made that joke. What am I even doing here? Where's Luthor? Getting a haircut or something?"

[Cut to Lex Luthor, bald as ever, in a barbershop chair. Hairdresser is standing next to him.]

HAIRDRESSER:

[pretending to cut Luthor's hair with scissors] "Snip, snip, snip, snip, OK, we're done! How do you like that?"

LUTHOR:

[holding up mirror] "Oh, yeah, that looks a lot better."

[Hairdresser rolls his eyes. Cut back to fight scene between Spider-Man, Superman, Green Goblin and The Joker.]

JOKER:

"These losers aren't my responsibility, I should be sexually harassing Batman!"

GREEN GOBLIN:

[floating to The Joker's side] "Yeah, and it's confusing for the audience because we're voiced by the same person, we look alike, and we pretty much say the same stuff."

JOKER:

"Yeah, it's kind of, well, [looking at Green Goblin] it's kind of a turn-on, honestly."

[Joker and Green Goblin embrace and make out, using lots of tongue. END SCENE.]


End file.
